2020 / 2019
june 4 | march 16 | feb 27 | feb 20 | feb 4 | feb 2 | jan 28 | jan 20 | jan 16 | jan 14 | jan 1
i....................didn't realize it's been three months LOL. time has been weird and long and fast at the same time. I guess the issue was that it was hard enough to get my own shit together for the past two months that to think of trying to do anything with html made me feel worse LOL. i wonder if even me coming back is the "right" move, if there is a "right" move at this point in time. well. I guess that's not true. Not a "right" move re: my choices with this site is what I mean I guess...I'm not sure I'm going to even continue with this diary portion of the site once I actually start trying to put more stuff on here. I wonder if there's any real point to it all. Then again, there are a lot of things I take pleasure in that don't really have a point. If anything, they're kind of harmful because it distracts me from other priorities. Ehh. I'll avoid talking about everything happening around me re: the US, the world for this entry because I don't really have the bandwidth to talk/think about it more right now. That, and I have nothing to really contribute about it in an entry here that I think would be helpful or necessary. Really, I didn't even need to bring it up just now but it felt wrong not to because it is affecting my life in some ways.
Some things that have happened to me: I've been trying a gratitude journal lately so we'll see how that goes. Talked about some things (don't want to go into it here) with people that I'm close with and it almost felt like I reached a breakthrough and then most things started falling apart again. I played Disco Elysium! Realized I enjoy baking a lot more than I thought. One night, I was trying to fall asleep and someone came into my mind. For once, I didn't feel that ache or a shock of memories together that usually hit me when they randomly pop up in my head. I breathed in and out and I thought, is this moving on? Very dramatic but that's how I felt. Then I woke up the next morning and they sent me a text in the middle of the night.
Blah. Hopefully I'll have more exciting or interesting things to put on here next time I do an entry. Thanks for reading if you read through this lol.
i started working on this site again and i'm already tired ..........sda;mklbf;s;kldmcma;lkmdl;k
the way things have changed so drastically in the past couple of weeks is a lot, to say the least haha. i won't go into that much detail about it right now because i don't really want to lol...it's not just about covid-19, but about a lot of things in my life. i'll probably revamp this entire neocities site later this week because I honestly have the time, I guess? It's weird to tell myself that.
i guess one thing of note is that i realized that people do have an investment or concern about my well-being. for a long time, i thought that friendships and relationships were generally transactional. that to connect with someone and deserve someone's love, you have to be giving and giving and giving without any take, because that would be selfish or stupid of me to do. for that reason (among many), i've felt drained and tired for most of my life without much gain from it and as a result, i've felt like a burden and a drain on the people i care about's lives. despite feeling that way though, there were still a lot of people who continued to check on me and reach out and look out for me when i didn't even care for myself that much anymore. i yelled into the void thinking that no one was listening, but there were always people listening. realizing that made me want to cry for a long time. i still do. this isn't to say that my depression is gone, but still. just something i realized in the past few weeks.
Nothing much I want to really say in here! Not because of how sad I have been but just because the things I'm proud of kind of seem miniscule on a grander scale (like saying it on my neocities site haha instead of my journal). I've just been thinking about how I listen to one of music where the topic is usually very sad in context. Some of my favorites are songs about the breakdown of a relationship and break-ups. Despite this, I don't really think listening to this type of sad music is why I'm a person who is sad a lot of the time. A lot of this music is even upbeat for the most part! I'm thinking about this because I was listening to a break-up song that came on shuffle and I remembered how much I liked this song. Then I realized I'm probably more like the person that he's singing more than the actual singer. I enjoyed the song but I didn't much connect to it. Can I really be sad because of what I listen to if there are times I don't connect to this music emotionally?
Often, what we consume gets construed as who we are as people. But if we don't define ourselves by what we do and what we like, what can we define ourselves through? What is the self but something that we as individuals create? The self that I made myself out to be when I was young is not the self I feel I am now. Are either of those selves right though? Is the individual the one who creates the self for themself, or does the collective do it for them? Am I being more myself through showing my personality through my neocities, or am I being my true self when I am around people physically? Who knows me better, the people who hate me, the people who love me, or me? All of them? None of the above?
I can understand that I sound pretentious when I phrase these questions like this. Like, don't have you better things to worry about? Of course I do, but this is the question that has been haunting me for about two years now. Maybe there is a simple answer, but it's not clear to me, no matter what I read or write. Would someone telling me the answer to this even be satisfying to me? I don't know!
I always start with saying I don't want to talk about a lot, but I always end up writing something. lol.
Ugh. Truthfully, I don't even really want to do this entry but I feel like it's been a while. I'm not even really sure if people read this but I figure I should try to update this part at least. Going to work on some pages later (probably in March, honestly?) It's hard to get the motivation to work on this without feeling like I'm being wasteful with my time or something. In all honesty, it's hard to been doing much of anything these days and I hate admitting that to other people. Rationally, I am trying to do all the right things (mostly). So why am I so sad? Why do I get this feeling that I will always feel like this? Is feeling into these toxic mindsucks through this even helpful in anyway? Is there a way to get out of it without having to ask for help? Ugh.
The worst part is that the thing I feel like I should be the most upset about, I'm really not anymore. I feel guilty about it, yes, but I don't feel like this deep sense of grief and loss. Ugh. Sorry if anyone's reading this, lol. I'll try to feed in less to making sad journal entries.
Something that's happened recently is that I've gotten into listening to slowed down music now, especially pop music. This is mostly interesting because a few years ago I used to be really into sped up music, and I would listen to it when I was anxious to try to calm me down. Now I don't really do that anymore, mostly because it reminds me of times I don't want to think about. Nothing really to get from this, just something I noticed.
Don't have a lot to say, but been reading the why love hurts book again. This is mostly because I just want to be done with it, lol. Above is a short excerpt from it, but I think I'm just going to make another page on this for stuff like this. I just didn't want to make it right now.
I did the thing that I've referred to a couple of times in my entries before and it hurt even more than I expected it would (and I knew it would hurt). The worst part is that I hurt her and she won't tell me because it'll make me feel worse. I don't know if it's possible to feel worse though. I know it was something I had to do at the end of the day but I feel like an awful person anyway...The other worst part is that this is really the only place I can say this without looking like I'm looking for pity from other people. Ugh. I'm just so overwhelmingly sad.
uggghhhhhh. finished a book today. i visited some friends last weekend, which was good and bad in different ways. it put something in strange clarity for me. the issue is that i have these moments of clarity and then my anxieties and passivity stop me from doing anything about it. it's like this poem i've talked about before: "I clawed my way into the light but the light is just as scary." or that's the best way to describe it, i guess.
anyway, i was thinking about doing a books section or something on this site but i don't want to basically make it my goodreads so i would need to think of something for it while still relating to books i'm reading. lol i'll figure it out though, it's cool.
i spent most of the day working on making bags, which was nice to not have to think for a while about a lot of things. but now i'm exhausted so i'm going to sleep soon but i wanted to look over the site for a little lol. i wont' give context but it's hard when all your friends are saying the same thing, which is what you've been thinking the whole thing but you didn't want to confront.
Things are okay for the most part! All I really want to do is watch Haikyu!! but it's hard to even get to do it. Part of it is because it was a comfort show for me up until I showed an ex-friend it. The manga I still read, but the anime is hard lol. This is such a small/stupid issue but it's just annoying me now because I want to watch the new stuff now. (╥_╥)
Anyway. In terms of things I want to add to this site, I think I want to try to do a shrine page? I just need to think of things I like enough to even tackle that.
Also I miss the sopranos lol. I finished it like...a week or two ago and I need to take a break before I can even THINK of trying to rewatch but aaagh. (╥_╥)
I want to go to bed soon so I'll keep this short...but when do I ever keep anything short? Except the last entry I guess lol. Added a guestbook + tweaked my about page kind of. I won't lie and say I'm doing great or even good, but it's been going. Just been busy and frustrated about a situation I have to deal with right now. The solution to it is pretty easy (in terms of what I would have to do) but emotionally, it would be too much and I don't want to deal with it at all. I know that makes me sound like a bad/weak/whatever person but man....lol. I'm not happy but the same time, I don't know if I'll ever really be happy the way I want to be. Even that statement in itself might just be me giving up because it's easier though. Now I'm just talking myself into circles though.
I've been listening to more Sufjan Stevens more lately, especially the Carrie and Lowell album. There's a poem I've been thinking about more lately (since before 2020 to be honest) but none of the versions I found online format it in a way I originally read it as...It's self-portrait against red wallpaper by richard siken if anyone reading this wants to google it or something.
I know that everything I read/listen sounds like I'm really sad all the time, but I swear I listen to other music. I've just been reading more academic things, I guess you could describe it and that's not really exciting to talk about on here I think lol.
anyway. good night/morning/afternoon to whoever sees this! :-) :-| ~_~
happy new year! :p
2020 / 2019
dec 28 | dec 16 | dec 11 | dec 9 | dec 6 | dec 3 | dec 1 | nov 29 | nov 18
I came down with a flu and I've been coping with that for the most part since my last entry here. The results for what I studied for came out and I did pretty alright. It's hard to be like I did great because I expected better from myself, but that's an issue I have to overcome.
It's weird to consider that the decade is over soon or really, that a certain era of my life is over now. It's hard to come to terms with that and not feel like I let myself down in some way. Most of my life has been spent putting too much pressure on myself and others for things that never really came to fruition. So I got upset and angry and sad for what then? What was the point of doing something that only served to harm myself? And what of the people I affected through this? Ughh. It's frustrating to think about because at this point I should just move forward from that. There are things that I think about so much but I don't really discuss with people because I'm afraid that they'll ask why I'm still so focused on that or why I even care anymore. I don't really have an answer for that. That's another big issue of mine too though, the tendency to dwell. I don't know. I'll ruminate on this more in my paper journal lol. My time on the internet has been weird and in a way, this feels like the only real private space I have online now. Probably the only one I've ever had online. There are things I had when I was younger that I showed to friends as if saying, look at what younger me said, as if she had any idea of what she would grow up to be. Maybe doing that was in bad faith to a younger me who never thought that would happen. I say this, even though years from now an older me will probably read this and be like, why am i always so sad lol. That's part of why I hesitate to show this site to anyone I'm close to. That, and my constant problems with showing vulnerability.
Though I'm sure if someone I was very close with found this, they would recognize it was me pretty easily I think. Or maybe they wouldn't. I struggle with understanding people's perspectives on me. Ehh....
I haven't really had time to edit this neocities because been doing things with family and so on, but I already expected that. Book stuff though: I finished The Undying a while ago. Really good, but brought back a lot of anxieties I have that I repressed for a while. I'm working on reading a couple other books so I'll update on that when I make significant progress with any of them.
Blah. Had another weird dream last night, lol. I would try to describe but it's honestly difficult to. I kind of get what it was saying though.
What sucks is that what I think I should feel about, I don't. So the answer naturally then is to change things, but I can't make myself get to that point because I'm afraid it's the worst choice. And then what after that?
Anyway, haven't really had time to work on this b/c it's the holidays and I've been studying for something. I should have more free time soon, I think. probably after this week....
Blaaaaah. I had a weird dream today. Or last night, I guess. I don't really remember all of it, but I remember I was sitting on this rug and my back was against a bed. Someone was touchingmy hair but I wasn't tense about it like I normally was. When I looked up to see who it was, it was this person I had been good friends like two years ago. We didn't stop being friends on bad terms or anything. We just drifted apart. So we looked at each other and she smiled at me and started talking about something inane. It felt normal for this to happen. It was as if it was 2017 again and we just were in someone's dorm room without a care. I thought of someone else as it happened. I imagine if I was aware I was dreaming, that person would have appeared too. I don't know how I would've felt if she did. Some other things happened after that moment, but the only thing that stayed in my mind was the friend
When I woke up, I was mostly confused. I don't really understand why she was in my dream. The person I saw and our friendship is not necessarily something I dwell on. The friendship was nice when it happened. Maybe I miss those times? But that doesn't ring true for me, since that time was both one of the happiest and one of the worst times of my life. There was one moment that I think, maybe I was happiest then? But that moment wasn't in my dream and I don't even think that's my happiest moment either. Most of the times when I remember being happy aren't times I want to return to. As for the person I thought of in my dream that never actually appeared: that wasn't all that surprising to me. She'll be in my dreams/nightmares/whatever sometimes. She's a friend. I guess it was just a weird dream in general.
Anyway, been working on a music page, so we'll see what happens lol. Sorry for being super vague in this update blaaaah. I think I'm going to try to code a new blog theme or something for 2020.
this is from Why Love Hurts: A Sociological Explanation by Illouz. Just finished this chapter I've been trying to read forever and this stuck. Ended up making another page but I'm still working on it. Will write about other stuff later.
I know I said I would edit this yesterday or today but things piled up. Or I just got despondent. Either or, I guess. Anyway, I had a meeting/call with a consultant (i guess you would call her?) from my alma mater. Weird to think of it as that. This was a few days ago and she made me feel better about a couple of things. The problem is this: it feels like a cycle of where I think things could get better and then it doesn't. The reason it doesn't is because I don't put in another effort (I think) than I should be. Because of that I'm in this cycle of self-pity that I don't really deserve to be in. So that's annoying lol. But if you understand the problem, then you can get started on fixing it, can't you? So that's the next step.
Other things: Reading The Dying by Anne Boyer. I think it's probably going to take longer than normal to finish this one. Not that it's a difficult read but that when I started it, I got hit with a wave of anxiety that I had to do something else to get rid of the feeling. The book's a memoir. Maybe I'll summarize what it's about when I've read more.
In terms of things I want to put on this blog: maybe a guestbook thing. I've seen a lot of those and it seems nice even if no one would use it. It would just feel nice to have more pages on here in general instead of this long thing of me complaining...I also want to maybe do a page on music I like, but I would have to think about how to organize it and everything before even thinkingggggg about constructing it and stuff.
I guess so I don't feel like I'm leaving this with nothing, this is an essay I really like. Usually when I go to read it, it isn't available but it is today so I'll link it. When it gets hidden again, I'll probably remove the link. I like it a lot though, I first read it at the start of last summer. To spare you the details, I was really at a low point at that point and feeling like a lot of hopeless. Hopeless about my future, about my purpose in life, about my relationship (not necessarily romantic) with another person, and so on. I wouldn't say that this like...saved me or something like that but it made me felt something really strongly and it hits me every time I read this. So maybe whoever is looking at this will like it too. Maybe not though lol, a lot of people I show this too don't really seem to have the same reaction as me haha. That's okay though!
all I REALLY want to do is edit this neocities site...but I have other stuff to work on first. might work on it some more on thursday or friday. the problem is that there's so much I want to do that it just kind of bubbles inside me until it all fizzes out. if that makes sense. in terms of things I'm doing, i finished war of the foxes the other day and I enjoyed it a lot. It felt like it focused a lot on the self (to me), and maybe that was what made it enjoyable...I've also been listening to this song like fifty times a day. I'm obsessed with it in almost every way possible. Ugh.
I'm also just trying to listen to more Radiohead. Last fall, I was abroad for a semester and I tried to listen to all of Sufjan Stevens' albums over it. It took a while but I did it, except for the Christmas albums since it was October/November at the time. I don't know why I felt I had to bring up being abroad. I guess because I associate Sufjan with that moment in my life. It was a weird time lol. Anyway, I'm trying to do that again with Radiohead but it's slow going. Right now, I keep relistening to Karma Police (lol). But we'll see.
With other books, I'm trying to get back into this collection of Donna Haraway's essays so that I can get back into reading academic writing and so I can finally finish it. Gaaaah. We'll see, I guess. I'm going to go back to reading this essay after I finish this.
I feel like there's something that I have to do right now, but I'm not sure what it is. Either I'm not sure or I'm trying to desperately ignore it because I'm afraid of change. I think it's a little bit of both. There's a chance that if I make this step, it's something I can't take back, no matter how much I regret the outcome. I'm being super vague, I know. I'm just paranoid that someday people I know will see this hahahaha.
i wish i could stop having to try and feeling like i fail all the time. objectively, i have succeeded at things. but for what? and to what end? because i'm still unhappy and maybe i'm just always going to be unhappy because i don't want to take the steps i have to to maybe be happier. because what if i'm wrong? and i just end up even more unhappy after the change? ugh. i don't know. i guess i'm just saying it here because i know people aren't reading...whatever.
anyway, i'm reading war of the foxes by richard siken right now.
happy late thanksgiving...? i guess. the holiday was alright for me. i'm still trying to figure out how to put this website to more use...i guess some updates. i finished all of succession a few days ago. it's a fun and addicting show, but also a sad one. i'm starting back on the sopranos now. i watched the first 2 seasons throughout the last year but now i'm back in the saddle, baby. both shows focus on the trauma of abusive parenting in different ways, i think. this was more evident in s1 of the sopranos, with tony and his relationship with his mom. i'm just thinking about this since i just finished pine barrens and (dont read if you dont want to be spoiled lol) the implications that melfi made re: tony's choices in mistresses. (spoiler end) how do our parents' treatment of us impact us for the rest of our lives, whether we want it to or not? it's a scary question! it's the same thing about our mistakes and flaws. we want to avoid our past mistakes, but how much can we really? well. who can say.
not really related, but i read anne carson's translation of antigone today. it was pretty good. some parts of it rang true to me, but i'll just post this funny part of it and end it with that.
a lot of this is mostly testing out how this works...lol. made this page today. did most of the stuff re: the index page yesterday. now i'm watching this chinese period movie that i don't really follow the plot of. though, that's more my fault than the movie's, i think.
also watched a few episodes of succession (s1). it looks good so far (i think?). parts of it remind me of arrested development, which is probably on purpose... dysfunctional rich families that all fall in disarray partly because of how obscenely rich we percieve them to be. blaaah. who can say.
thinking about making a page for the poetry i like or something...maybe a place for the movies? i don't know yet.